


People Always Hate A Loser

by jarediscronchtastic



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Drug Use, Just angst, Little Kisses, M/M, Self Harm, Treebros, i dont know what else to put here, suicide warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 06:06:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15679524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarediscronchtastic/pseuds/jarediscronchtastic
Summary: Connor knows he does not have much time left, but is he scared? How could he be?  He has his whole world at his side, and he knows that with Evan, everything will be alright.Yeah, everything will be alright.





	People Always Hate A Loser

Connor opens his eyes to see Evan leaning over him, tears in his eyes, clutching his hand.  He manages a weak smile, squeezing back. “Hey,” he mumbles softly, earning a smile from Evan.  The two had been dating for a few months now, but Connor was just too damn tired, and it broke his heart to have to leave this guy he’d grown to love.  So many things were wrong, he was sick of it all, sick of all the people who would treat him like shit, so it wasn’t until he had swallowed the whole bottle of pills did it finally occur to him that maybe, just _maybe_ , he was loved.  

 

“Hey, Con,” Evan murmurs, putting his hand to his face.  

 

Evan’s face looked so full of worry, that Connor’s heart just broke, knowing that he was the one to cause him so much pain, starting off as lovers, and quite shitty ones at that, but now he was selfishly taking it all away.  God, all that he’s put Evan through, he didn’t deserve that.

 

“I-”

 

Before Evan could even finish a word, the door opened, and a doctor came through, clipboard in hand, her face solemn.

 

As she approached the two, Connor could feel Evan’s pulse quicken through their tightly clasped hands.  

 

With a sigh, she licked her lips briefly and peered closer at Connor, then back at her notes.  “I’m sorry, Mr. Murphy, but..” Another heavy sigh and she set down her clipboard, pulling up a chair, and put a hand on Evan’s back, another on my arm.  “You.. you don’t have much longer, I’m sorry, the drugs in your body..well, I’m afraid your system just can’t take it..”

 

Evan looked like he was going to puke, but in all honesty, Connor really just didn’t give a shit.  Yeah, he didn’t want to leave Evan behind, but Evan was better off without him, he shouldn’t have spoken to Evan in the first place, shouldn’t have let himself fall in love or be loved.  Perhaps in his next life he would know better.

 

“I’ll leave you two be,” the doctor said, interrupting his thoughts with a nod of her head before turning and leaving the room.

 

Nearly throwing himself onto Connor, Evan held onto him tightly, sobbing.  It took all of Connor’s remaining strength to not cry, instead holding him close to him, taking in the comforting scent that he would miss.

 

“Ev,” he mumbles in his ear, kissing his cheek briefly.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Look at me,” he instructs under his breath, putting a hand on Evan’s.  

 

Evan complies, staring back with shining eyes.  

 

“When I go-”

 

“No!”  Evan hollers, fresh tears springing from his eyes.  “No! No, we aren't doing this! I’m not saying goodbye!”

 

Connor shook his head, holding tighter to Evan.  “We have to. I’m sorry.”

 

“No,” Evan whimpers as he nestles into his side.  “No, please, you’re gonna pull through for me, for your family..”

 

He really couldn’t stand the fact he was putting Evan through so much, that he had in the past, but it just.. well, it was the way things were, wasn’t it?  “Don’t be an idiot, I’m dying, so listen, got it? Please, when I go, please remember those times we were good, okay? When we celebrated the holidays together, when we would fight because I used to leave the dinner in the oven for too long, or how you never had a good sense of style, remember?”

 

Evan just sniffles, holding him closer.  “Yeah.. yeah, those were the days..”  
  
Rubbing Evan’s back, Connor smirked.  “Hey, for my funeral, try and wear something nice, okay?  Like, a suit. Not your dumb polos you get from the clearance rack at the Gap, got it?”

 

“Shut up,” Evan grunts, a hint of a smile on his face.

 

“You look cute when you smile,” Connor grins, putting his hand on his cheek.  

 

“I love you.”  Evan leans in, and the two kiss, Connor feeling like he should make every last kiss count, god only knew how many more they had left.  

 

“I love you, too,” he breathes as they part.  “I love you so much, Evan.”

 

Connor shifted slightly to the side, offering more room for Evan, who curls up next to him, resting his head on his chest as Connor put an arm around him, burying his face in the soft blond hair.  

 

“Life sucks, Ev,” he grumbles after cuddling in silence for a few minutes.  “I mean, I’m just a loser, and people always hate losers, so they won’t miss me.”  
  
“I will!”  Evan squeezes him, tears pooling on Connor’s hospital gown.  “And your whole family, people at school!”

 

Connor snickers at that.  “ _Nobody_ at school likes me, I'm an asshole to everyone.  Fuck, I was an asshole to you, too.”

 

Evan shakes his head violently.  “No! No, no you weren't.”

 

“I'm sorry, you deserve so much better than this, than _me_.”

 

“You're amazing, Connor, I _love_ you, _you_ , I couldn't possibly love anyone else because you're you and that's enough for me,” Evan reassures him, tears streaking down his face.  

 

Connor could hardly tell, but he was sure days had been passing, but it all felt the same to him, and it seemed like Evan never left his side as he fell asleep and woke up, over and over in a cycle, losing his strength and his battles.  Today, the hospital room felt strangely colder, darker, smaller. It was as if the world was telling him that yes indeed, today was the day. Today his hideous face would be wiped from this hell of a planet.

 

Oh, how badly Connor now wishes he could go back in time, seeing just how broken Evan was about all of this.  But now, there's nothing he can do but accept that soon, death will be holding him, telling Connor to _embrace_ it, embrace how it all will turn to darkness. _How much longer will it even be?_  The doctor never said a thing, it could be hours or days, minutes or weeks, he was stuck until death could relieve him.   _Can I keep my cool, despite my urge to fall apart?  God, how should I even start…_ He would cry now, if he could, allow himself to finally show Evan how fucking scared he was.   _At least death means I won't fear dying anymore, though…_

 

Evan kisses his face, but Connor can barely register it, his mind and body far away, it would seem, already on their way to death.  To put it simply, he was numb. Number than ever before. Number than he was _before_ he met Evan.   _Yeah, crying would do no damn good.  I guess I should try and be strong and brave for the both of us, eh?_ It was hard to ignore, however, the nagging voice in the back of his mind, reminding him of how he’s doing this to Evan, putting him through so much.  

 

How many times could Connor even count, how many times had he wanted to tell Evan how he felt without fear?  Tell him that he _knew_ he roped him into his bullshit, _forced_ Evan to care about him.  Evan could've been happier, worry less if Connor didn't feel that stupid fucking urge to get someone to talk to him at last.  He confided in him quickly, for a reason he couldn't pin down. It wasn't like he wanted help, he knew he needed it, at least his mother always said so, nor did he think he particularly wanted attention.  He just.. wanted someone to love him. But Connor had to ruin it all, include Evan, who probably had better things to do, into his miserable little life of self harm and self hatred and self destruction. In his miserable little life of _selfishness._  He felt bad he drew Evan in, like luring a moth to a firelight before scorching it in seconds.  

 

Connor could feel himself bouncing in and out of consciousness, going deeper now,  the sound of Evan’s voice distant, like he was miles away under water. _It's better if I go, but all the same, I'm just ruining Evan even more.  He was ruining Evan by dying. He was ruining Evan. He was always ruining Evan.  Not just when they met, not just when they fought, but now still, as he lay dying._ Connor claws for the light, now praying he could get back to how everything was, to hold Evan again, to apologise for all of this.  But he couldn't. He never would be able to.

 

A soft “I love you,” a tear, and a kiss enveloped Connor, as he exhaled a heavy breath.   _I'm so sorry, Evan.  I ruined you. But, it's all too late of course to go back._

 

And then the scene turned to black.  

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for this dumb little thing... I wrote this a while ago, an idea that hit me and I wrote it down. Like my Heathers fic, it’s another depressing Dear Evan Hansen crossover. Sorry.
> 
> Thanks for reading, anyhow!
> 
> -J


End file.
